I’ve had an ultra life-changing, earth shattering, absolutely gut-wrenching couple of years. My ex and I split after 4.5 years, and after surviving an Army-sanctioned deployment, an entire year away from one another. His best friend died during our last year together, and then I spent my entire 29th birthday in the ER (first time in a hospital for myself in at least 7 years; more on this later) just days before ending things. After the breakup, and 8 years of serial dating before that, I decided singleton was necessary, and quickly moved in with a couple of strangers who “felt right.” These decisions last Spring were the beginning of my learning to trust myself and listen to my body.
My new roommates were an adorable couple that was well-traveled, well-mannered, and extremely fit, then another third-wheeler – like myself – a movie-quoting funny guy who would quickly become my therapist and biggest supporter. I spent the next 4 months loving my new home, spending more time (way more than I had in recent years) with local friends and family, traveling up and down the east coast to see friends from college, exercising, enjoying the sunshine on my own terms, some casual dating, and reading (and re-reading) amazing eye-opening books, like Attached by Amir Levine and The Universe has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. (My casual online dating stint will have to have an entire post dedicated to it, because, frankly I think I nailed it.) Shortly after I finished The Universe, thanks Gabby, I was totally boosted. I named my “sign” that the Universe would present when I was headed down the right path, I was speaking my mantras, and I was sharing this faith with everyone I encountered. I tried to be as leasstttt hippie as possible, because not everyone can relate to you when you’re like “you just have to like, trust the universe, man,” in your very best Ron Slater from Dazed and Confused voice (see GIF below). Regardless, I was outwardly happy, drinking the koolaid, and spreading joy.
Somewhere in these four months came a shock to the system. A quick trip down south to see friends and family, and then the realization that the job I’d held for the exact same duration as I’d held my ex for, was no longer serving me. It was on this trip I was given the bug. The travel bug hit me, and it hit me hard. Conveniently, the dude I was talking to decided to ghost me, less than a week before I headed out there. Then, my best friend’s mom, a pregnant lady at my grandmother’s community pool, my aunt, a stranger at TJ Maxx — it seemed like every person I encountered was leading me to travel, begging me to go so they could live vicariously through my sudden lack of responsibility. They were tied to their homes, their family, their job, school. This was my sign. I had never had this freedom before, and I knew the stars may never align again so perfectly. I got home, gave my resignation and began my goodbyes. Was terrified to tell my mom – basically told everyone in my immediate circle besides she and my dad – and then she cried tears of joy to me on the phone when I told her about my plan. A few weeks later I had a one-way ticket in hand and was off to Germany.
Ok so maybe the whole thing doesn’t seem too “earth-shattering” now that I’m seeing it in print, but when you live with someone and think you’re going to marry them… not to mention you’re almost 30 and feel like you’re already behind on the race of life, it’s pretty soul-crushing.
As I write this first post, I’m half considering quitting already. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a million reservations; fear of judgment and of failure. I think that is honestly what has most compelled me to finally write this. The social anxiety I’ve felt for the last…. idk, 17 years?…. literally as far back as I can remember…… has all but dwindled. The shame around not knowing what I want in life, who I’ll marry or IF I’ll marry, if I’ll have kids or when, am I too old to travel like this? Am I allowed to be having this much fun, without knowing where I’ll be next year? I can’t be the only one who thinks about this. The unknown future can be pretty scary, but I’m feeling really unstoppable right now, and really brave, and I want to share that with people who need to see it, because there is NO timeline. There is no age limit for fun. And you deserve to love yourself and be confident in YOUR journey. You are worth it. Right now. Just exactly as you are.
I haven’t gotten sick of telling my story yet, and it has only just begun. I returned from my first wanderlust trip just over a month ago, and my fire has not dimmed. I feel a deep and insatiable passion to spread joy and share love with as many people as will possibly listen. There is so much more out there, and you don’t need to travel the world to see it…. But if you’re interested in coming along, please follow me on my next journey.
