I really love to people please. I was pretty convinced – until a couple of years ago when I started to realize that my sparkling personality and good looks would carry me to greater places than I had previously anticipated – that the ONLY reason people liked me was because I would “yes” them to death. Not a great game plan. Not everyone, but a shit ton of people will take advantage of you that way… the whole “don’t confuse my kindness for weakness” mantra will only take you so far, because it’s a dog eat dog world out there. But also, because you lose sight of yourself – do people like me because I’m doing stuff for them, or because of who I am as a person? You CAN be kind and still be direct. You CAN be kind and still set boundaries. I had always recognized when I encountered European humans in the US throughout my life, that there was some sort of cultural divide in the way we spoke. Americans seemed very unsure, and Europeans seemed to know what they wanted. I don’t know if this is a woman thing, a young person thing, or a me thing, but I do think it is a learned behavior. A German girl lived with my family for a couple of months one summer going into my senior year of college. She was the sweetest and kindest girl, so I knew she never meant any harm, but sometimes she would reply with a hard NO to questions that I was really used to getting a soft, or wavering “no,” like…. “Would you like to come to a party with my friends and I this weekend?” I felt like growing up I really only had 1-2 friends that would say No when they meant No. Everyone else, as the standard, would voluntarily offer up some bullshit “maybe! I have this other thing but I’ll see if I can make it!” (as the years went on, insert multiple emojis, as if to denote JUST how upset they were to possibly not be able to make this event that they didn’t want to go to, or just couldn’t go to because they had prior engagements). I don’t want to throw my friends under the bus because I am the MOST guilty of this. But potentially even worse than saying I would try to be there and not having any intention of being there, exactly 50% of the time, I would have NO desire whatsoever to go to one of the events, and then would half-ass BOTH events, instead of choosing the one that I really wanted to be at. Totally first world extrovert problems, I understand this: as my friend Hannah’s mother would say “get some real problems.” I recognize also that having too many plans is really a thing of the past… in my 29th year, I rarely have invitations to multiple events on the same evening, or even on the same weekend… unless it’s the summer, and then you have a ton of shit every weekend and zero time to do a single thing you would actually choose to do.
So this really amazing thing happened when I traveled solo for the first time. I. Got. To. Decide. I got to decide when I ate, when I woke up, where I did tours, when I drank, when I reallllly drank, when I stuck with friends,and when I flew solo. What I learned from this, is that you never actually HAVE to say yes to anything.. On vacation.. Or in life.. (OK so work is kind of the exception to the rule). You need to listen to your body. In my first entry, I talked about how moving in with my new house mates after my breakup last summer “felt right”…. It took seriously 3-4 more months before I was really trusting my gut. Most days on my trip, I walked miles on miles, most days I drank and wanted to make friends, and alllll too often, I ate shitty fried, buttery, delicious, carby food that made me bloated and feel like absolute garbage. But on many days, in many places, I went to the grocery store, and for the price of one European meal, 10-20 euros, I would get a plethora of food… bread and deli meat, cheese, maybe butter or jam, a couple of vegetables, a couple of fruits, and bottled water. Some days I would sleep in, I would exercise in my room or in the common space at the hostel, I would only walk around to get fresh air (re: not to explore and walk 15 miles until my shins and knees hurt), and I would eat food I put together myself in the kitchen. The friends I had made the night before would ask if I wanted to meet up with them, and sometimes I would say no. Sometimes friends from HS or college were meeting me in another country, and would ask if I wanted to do something, or if I had a preference, and I would say I didn’t want to do that thing. Some days I would only drink water, some days I would drink water and alcohol, but it was MY choice. I was funding this trip, I had worked hard to get to where I was, without many moments in my adult life of being all that selfish, and I had fully earned the right to exist on this “holiday” exactly as I chose. So after about 2 months of this balancing act and feeling like I had somewhat gotten a handle of the solo travel-thing, I had this epiphany moment. What if I answered honestly at home when people invited me to things I didn’t really want to go to? What if I said “no, sorry I have other plans,” or “no, sorry I have a lot on my plate right now,” or just “no thank you!” and didn’t feel any guilt about it… and then if our friends and loved ones didn’t try and guilt trip us into it! What a concept. Brene Brown in Rising Strong calls it “trading 10 seconds of discomfort for months of resentment.” Let yourself sit in your discomfort for a moment, instead of resenting the asker, or yourself for pressuring you into something you are too busy to do, even if it’s something small. In fact, saying no to small things, is a really great exercise for learning this skill. You are a grown up. You decide your priorities.
I really have always been a workaholic. Boss: Want to be cut early? Me: No thanks, gotta make rent! Coworker: Hey do you mind staying a few hours later to cover my shift, I’ll get you next time? Me: Sure, I’m already ahead on chores at home for the week, I don’t mind, and I love helping friends. Boss: Hey do you think you can have that assignment that was due at the end of the month finished by next week instead? Me: Yeah, I can work from home on my day off, no problem. You guys know this person. Maybe you ARE this person. Not only was this an enormous detriment to my quality of life for the amount of hours I worked weekly, working too much cut into the amount of time I was able to dedicate to friends and family, my own mental health, my own physical well-being, seeing the sun during daylight hours, the list goes on. I was never sure if this was a woman thing, a man thing, or an American thing, but it seems like we exist everywhere in all kinds of people across many cultures, and it seems like Happiness Researchers are on to us. There is now exorbitant evidence that we are cutting years off our life and severely worsening our natural/genetic mental states of existence by spending too much time at work, and not enough time with loved ones or in nature (Chapter 5 & 6, Little Book of Lykke, Meik Wiking). Ah, research. I love it. But honestly, as usual, research ain’t shit til you make your own mistakes. That’s when we learn. Being a workaholic cut into my last relationship so deeply, that by year 4 of it, I had NO effing clue if it was the relationship that was wrong, or if it was my work-life balance that was wrong. I broke up with him, and then a few months later I broke up with the job, and then another month later I broke up with my country (just kidding, still love you America, this will be a longer love affair than originally anticipated, but I will be back). It turns out that I had no sense of freedom. I was not “captaining my own destiny,” which is a real indicator of happiness. I was not choosing how to spend my time, not even a little bit. I felt no freedom in my home with my boyfriend, or at work as the director, even my social life frequently felt like obligations instead of choice.
Your needs are real, and validated, and you don’t need to justify them. Whether that is the need to be supported in your relationship, the need to go to therapy twice a week, the need to see your buddies on a bi-weekly basis, or talk to them on the phone a couple of times a week, your emotional needs are as important as your need for food and water. You have permission to have and assert your needs. This is the outline for the boundaries you MUST set to feel whole, and yourself, and to fill your love tank.
II: Alright so that is boundaries on yourself. Set your boundaries. These are your rules, and rules can be broken, or made exception to, but make sure you have some boundaries. Part two of this bad boy is being direct. Back to my friend from Germany. And all my other friends now all over the world who I have met since my German friend in 2010, who ask “do you want to do this?” or “do you have a preference?” and they really mean it; they actually want your honest answer. Thank you, Europe, for showing me that a wishy-washy answer makes me sound even more insecure than I already am [was], and so silly! I don’t always have a preference, but when I do, I should totally voice it! Thank you to my old boss, Drea, for teaching me that when you speak to a customer and you don’t exercise poise and certainty in your reply, they are quick to take advantage of your kindness and your business, if they can! So being direct in response to extracurricular activities is a little bit easier. How about with significant others, friends and family members ABOUT our relationship? Now we’re getting into some sticky situations.
Decide who and what gets your free time after work! For me, it’s reading, writing, exercising, being outside, facetiming friends and family (and yes, I have a job despite that I am currently traveling)! The key here is being HONEST about when things are too much. Do I want to go to your expensive dinner party reservation? No, I’m sorry, that just doesn’t fit the budget right now. I can meet you for a coffee next week though, I’m free these afternoons… Do I want to go out for drinks on Wednesday night? No thank you, I’m trying not to drink during the week anymore; instead, would you like to go for a walk after dinner, or you can come over for dinner, or we can take an exercise class together at XYZ? Do I want to come to your birthday Saturday night even though I’m moving to a new apartment that day? Emotionally I don’t think I can handle rushing across the city after moving three times this year, I’ll have to catch the next event. My favorite (and most unbelievable) reply when a friend says they can’t meet for a walk or a cheap/free activity because they have a chore or house work to do — I offer to help. And I am serious. Ask me how many friends I’ve helped taken down Christmas decorations with, or fold laundry, or put away dishes, or helped meal prep. I do not want my friendship to burden you, just like I don’t want your friendship to cut into my own responsibilities. This may be because my Love Language is Acts of Service (The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman), but if my helping you with something you HAVE to do anyway, means that we can spend time together, I am totally game. Seriously, try this. You can speak a lot more candidly with one another in the confines of your own home or a lovely nature walk in a nearby neighborhood than the way you may want to speak in a cafe or restaurant; somehow the activity brings you closer.
If you have a family member or friend who is constantly dumping gossip or negativity on you when you aren’t emotionally able to take that on, tell them that you absolutely need to talk about something else. “I really just can’t handle the negativity this week; I’m working really hard at trying to not complain, and to show more gratitude, and I need you to either hold off on telling me the bad news, or tell someone else, but I’m not able to take that information on today.” This is hard. Especially when you have been someone’s emotional landfill for months or years. Your relationship with people needs to be give and take. They can’t just dump on you when they need, especially if it isn’t being fairly reciprocated. Also, who wants to be around someone that negative all the time?! Surround yourself with people who have love to give, not just hate, judgment and gossip. You absolutely can control the dynamic of the relationship and the direction of the conversation in most instances (obviously if the family gossip is about someone dying of cancer you should probably listen to the important stuff).
Say no to extra work assignments. This is really tough because of the appeal of being driven – our aspirations and goals are tantalizing AF. We need to talk about setting goals that we are comfortable with – making sacrifices is necessary to climb the corporate ladder, but at what expense? Ten seconds of discomfort:”I just have too much on my plate right now, I definitely can’t fit anything more in my schedule this week” – it will be delegated elsewhere; you won’t resent your supervisor, and you won’t be angry and frustrated with yourself while trying to fit the assignment into your already busy day. Maybe this is how we start the movement away from bringing our work home. Saying no. Going along with the theme of Self-Love and compassion for yourself/your well-being, if taking on these extra responsibilities will get you the promotion you are hoping for, but that promotion still won’t be making you the money, vacation time, security and stability that you need to be happy, then is it worth taking on? Just a reminder – happiness is not a destination – once you are “rich enough,” “promoted to X position,” “skinny enough,” “cool enough,” you will STILL feel like you need more! This insatiable desire is the root of human suffering, thanks Buddha, this we know. Maybe it’s time for a radical change, and to follow your heart, your true self, the one hiding behind the mask, because if the next 10 promotions still won’t bring you happiness, it’s possible you’re in the wrong department, or the wrong field, and likely not using your deeper talents and gifts — but we can discuss this again in another blog. In the meantime, say no to staying at the office later. Say no to uncomfortable things, because it means that you are saying YES to choosing your fate that day. You can spend less time at your work computer and more time doing things you LOVE (please, not netflix for 12 hours, not sitting on IG for half a day, please go outside, please breath deeply, please facetime a friend, please see family IRL, please engage in real conversation, even if it’s with your dog). Less time stressing and more time decompressing. Life doesn’t need to be 5 days of suck and 2 days off; there is beauty in every day, but you have to make time for it, and you have to look for it.
III: (part three today is short and sweet, so I’m including it here) Boundaries at the Bar: I used to people-please with men, all the time. I dated men to appease them. I was nice to men that I felt were being pushy or unkind, because I didn’t want to be perceived as rude, and I didn’t want to be called names. Guess what – people who are fucking rude, are rude to you whether your behavior warranted it or not. Be kind to others, but do NOT lessen your boundaries to appease people. Do not let yourself be walked over. Learning to be direct with work, with friends, with family, and honest with yourself about what you really want, will make your path a lot clearer.
Ways I learned to be direct with men: (1) be their friend. Be very obviously their platonic friend, and show absolutely no romantic interest. Right out the gates, tell them about the guy or girl you are currently seeing if there is one. Ask them who at the bar they have been looking at, and ask them if they need your help wingman-ing. You’re not doing them any favors leading them on. This is perhaps uncomfortable, but far less uncomfortable than letting them believe all night that they’ve got a shot. If you decide later or tomorrow or a year from now that you actually love the friendship that has grown from that evening, and you would like to give a romantic relationship a chance with him, that’s your choice too. (2) Being their friend is like 50/50 on efficacy, depending almost solely on how pushy they are. Need to be a little more forward? Now is your time to shine. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose by losing this person as a potential friend. They are not your people if they are not understanding your clear body language and prevalent message. Look them in the eye: “hey, I’m really not interested in you like that” or “I really don’t see this going anywhere” or my all time favorite (that no non-friend-man has ever reacted well to, so you’ve got to have a lot of self-confidence when you try it yourself) “I actually am a totally awesome friend, and I’m offended by the way you keep trying to ignore my platonic attempts and think that I am flirting with you when I clearly am not. I’m more than just a pretty face, swear to God.” A stand up guy will appreciate your honesty. An asshole will call you a name and leave. And a real asshole will continue to bother you, probably. Be sure not to leave the bar alone in this instance. The more direct you are, and the more confident you are about your NO, the less room there is for misinterpretation. My friends, be clear when you are not interested, and don’t be disinterested for the wrong reasons – maybe he doesn’t look like your type, but is actually super sweet and has a lot to offer, maybe he speaks your love language and is worth getting to know, but if he’s being a creep and touchy-feely or inappropriate, give him a cold, hard, no, and don’t be wishy-washy in your No. I honestly hate that I even have to write about this, the thought kind of makes me sick to my stomach when I think about stories I’ve heard from friends and experiences I’ve had myself, but there is a real serious problem with what we are teaching boys AND girls about what is appropriate behavior, what values are important, and what our words and actions mean. I will cut this short and plan to get back to it in a later issue or two, in which I’d like to discuss the messages we teach our children, platonic friends, casual dating, and being friends with ex-flings.
People always ask me what the number one thing I learned on my deployment was, and it was this: “walk with your head up and move with a purpose” — whether it is in broad daylight or the middle of the night, in a group or on your own, move confidently through each season of life. You are beautiful, your voice deserves to be heard, and even if you have no idea where you are headed, keep moving. I love you guys, spread love today and this week. “Una bella vita” – it’s a beautiful life.
