Have you begun to love yourself? Walking in kindness and compassion is so much easier when you are being your authentic self and identifying your insecurities. When we are vulnerable, we are the most loved. We fear greatly that if we let others see us outside our most perfect form, that they will think we aren’t good enough and leave, when in reality it is when we let our walls down that they are more likely to do the same. Until we let that true self show, we are shaming others and judging them as a projection of our own shame, and in a subconscious effort to proliferate this ideal that we all must put forth our “perfect” self, and not our authentic ones. Only after we are showing ourselves, may we begin to be truly free of shameful judgment and live in a more wholesome way. Just like shame is contagious, kindness is too. When we shift our attitude towards being compassionate and grateful, there is a noticeable shift in our energy, and it IS returned. You have the ability to make these changes in your own life and to affect others with this genuine spirit. If you’re not yet following me on Instagram @lizwithoutapillow, please do, because I am injecting friends’ timelines with happiness, self-love, gratitude and joy, and I really hope to grace your newsfeed with it as well (watch the story by clicking my avatar for daily affirmations).
There are a couple of things we have to practice to work towards being kinder every day: Patience, gratitude and empathy. My girl Brene Brown talks in “Rising Strong” about her data collection of interviewees in asking them a simple question, “do you think people are doing the best they can?” and the way that different people answered. Her evidence showed that people whom she later identified were living wholeheartedly in other aspects of their daily lives (showed resilience, owned their shame/insecurity, participated in some sort of creative play), were all in agreement on this question: YES, people are doing the best they can. Her husband summed it up succinctly when she asked him the same question, before collecting the numerical reply; those people who BELIEVE that everyone IS doing the best they can (classic expression: everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about), are living more in accordance with their own bodily and spiritual needs. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When you’re having a shit day, do you appreciate when people exhibit patience with you? So give others the same respect. The more you work on your patience, the kinder you are towards others, and even if you don’t experience an immediate turn around, eventually people start to catch on to that contagion, and you will notice that people are more kind towards you. Be patient that the universe will bring you some good karma once you’ve put that kindness into the world, and be patient that whatever YOUR battle is, that you will be stronger and better as a result of it.
In training my old staff when working with kids, for children who were difficult to discipline in a positive manner, the mantra was “everybody just needs love and attention.” The way that I explained this to my team was to expect that A. The parents are paying us to teach fitness to their child, but more importantly to give them attention because they don’t have time, and B. The child is on the spectrum. Maybbbbeeee not my most politically correct mantra, but hey, it’s just you and me here, right? Hopefully future employers know that I only say un-PC things when I publish it to a domain with my name attached (SMH). Seriously though… this worked, every. Damn. Time. The child you are working with is being rude, sassy, disruptive? Imagine that the last time anyone showed him any attention, that they were screaming at him. Now it’s a little bit easier to praise him for every little thing he does that is positive. Still not working? Imagine this child has a learning disability, ADD or autism. Maybe now his disruptive behavior is a little bit more understandable. Give him the one-on-one that you can, and increase your patience tenfold. Everyone is fighting a battle. Man, woman and child – everyone has a story if you listen, and most people will tell you some of it if you give them the time of day. Patience is a virtue, and love is patient and kind.
Show gratitude. This is an incredible one. When I left in Fall 2018 to Europe to find myself, I told my therapist that I wanted to get comfortable with ME and with being alone, and I wanted to get away from structure and find some spontaneity. I had no idea that I would spend actually very little of the trip alone, but that all of the rest would come true. From the moment I made the choice to leave, I began to be grateful that the universe had gifted me this opportunity. Of course it’s easy to be grateful for wonderful things, but what about little things, less wonderful? This trip brought me to Paris, Amsterdam, London….. It also brought me an injured shoulder from carrying a 50-pound backpack, blistered heels, a could’ve-been sexual assault, a serious aversion to chocolate, and many hungover mornings. I know, poor me in Europe. But I was grateful for the blisters that I still had comfortable shoes to wear, compeed to cover my heels, and a French-speaking friend to help me find those pads for my feet. Grateful for the hangovers, they meant I had made great friends with whom I wanted nights to never end; grateful for my wherewithal, my learned independence and strength to say “no” enough times to someone who didn’t understand me the first 3 times. Grateful for a sink to hand wash my clothes in, and grateful for any soul kind enough to buy me a meal or a cab ride! This was no all-expenses paid luxury trip, you guys, I backpacked my happy ass, was an au pair, traveled mass transit, couch surfed, and bartended. And I worked my butt off on my deployment to save every penny. I was grateful AF. And in retaliation to my good vibes, the universe granted me the answers to all the questions I’d asked it, and so many more answers I didn’t know I needed. Not everything is going to be perfect. Life is suffering – humans know this from thousands of years of philosophical teachings, we know this from learning ancient and current religions in school, and from our own experiences in life. But we can complain in a way that acknowledges that things aren’t that bad when they aren’t, and this cultivates gratitude and joy. When we thank others for their patience, when we thank ourselves for our self-compassion for letting go of perfectionism, when we are thankful in both good and bad situations that we came out of alive and well, we create gratitude around us. The other day was unseasonably warm and so I went outside to feel the sunshine with some friends, then I thanked the magical forest for letting us walk through it – I know, I said no hippie dippie shit, sorry – and my friends laughed, and then realized we just don’t do that enough, and it changed the tone of the day. Like all the ramblings you’ve read thus far, that’s a true story.
Ah empathy. Empathy is confusing because we think that sympathy is even remotely similar; sympathy calls for judgment, which humans love, but empathy calls for vulnerability. In empathy, we have to do the following: (1) take perspective of another, (2) stay out of judgment, (3) recognize emotion in others, (4) communicate emotion**. “I don’t even know what to say, but I’m so glad you told me,” is a really good reply — sitting in the darkness with this person and just being a friend and being there for them is the way to expose yourself with them. We like to help others see the silver lining in a lot of cases, but research shows that that is a continuation of judgment. Let others FEEL. Let yourself feel. Their perspective is their truth and when you recognize this, you will realize that honestly, no matter what you say, your friend came to you in their hour of need, and won’t be ready to recover until they are ready. I think that this one really goes along with patience in just existing in whatever slow motion pace you are in, because you can’t speed up grieving, or shame, or any other serious emotional recovery. Empathy is seeing your friend in a dark hole and climbing down to sit in the dark with them, while sympathy is yelling down into the hole “I’m sorry for you! Do you need a sandwich?” Be there. Slow down. Engage in this moment of vulnerability.
Here is my very first reflection 10 days into my journey: “I’ve been on this planet for 29 years, and most days have been pretty alright. This journey of self-discovery has been 2 weeks now….. I’d like to say 7 years or something, but that’s a blatant lie. Two weeks of serious introspection, deep conversation, and challenging a mindset I’ve always known. Is ‘pretty alright’ enough? Is that how I want to remember the next 30 years? Fuck. Not really. There is happiness. True, genuine, love and joy out there. The whole damn world is searching for it, and I’ve been sitting around being “pretty alright” for 29 years thinking it was going to just come to me. Here is my away message until further notice: seeking joy.”
In that moment, I absolutely thought I was going to turn off my phone – no more posts, no more IG stories, and just live in the moment. I kind of did, for like about a week. I’m glad I didn’t just go off the grid though, because when I started posting my profound realizations, I discovered how fortunate I was to have this season of my life, and how many of my friends who I loved and cared about would benefit from me sharing my story. Let’s seek joy together… let’s keep going. I hope you’re with me, and thank you if you are. Be your authentic self. Love yourself. Be patient, empathetic, compassionate, and grateful. And spread joy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X555OjI3GHQ
Works Cited:
Brene Brown Empathy vs. Sympathy (3 minute video) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
