I think I’ve written 13 versions of this entry because there is just so much to cover in regards to loving yourself and I can’t decide what’s most important. Let’s start with the story we tell ourselves each day, because words are powerful, and anyone who’s read Love Languages and knows Words of Affirmation can tell you this. If you don’t struggle with self-esteem, you probably know it, and honestly, come back for my next entry on kindness, because those of us with self-confidence issues for the most part, are pretty hyper aware that we have some serious insecurities… they are looming every day. The way that we talk to ourselves is super powerful — if you were caring for someone you loved, a parent, a child or a partner, and they were unwell and forgot to take their medicine, would you tell them that you can’t believe how fucking stupid they are? Or would you try and help comfort them, find out how big of a deal it actually is that they missed a dosage, and reassure them you still love them and are there for them in this moment of weakness? I hope it’s the latter, and not “God Karen, you’re so stupid!” Okay, so moral of the story is that when we really love someone, we try our damnedest to speak with kindness and respect so that they know we love them. Now imagine you’re caring for yourself, which you are, most days, if you are a fairly self-sufficient adult, and imagine you forgot something you needed to bring to work, or forgot to take your medicine. Do you tell yourself that you still love yourself and are there to comfort you in this moment of weakness, that your feelings are allowed, but that you are not inadequate at your core? If you do, you also can leave, and come back for Kindness… because this entry is not for you. I hope you’re seeing what I’m getting at. Most of us say to ourselves: “wow I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I forgot that.” If you tell a loved one over and over and over again that they are stupid, eventually they will believe you. The same goes for your own narrative. Your mind is a powerful place. Treat yourself with kindness. When it’s a small thing, like a forgotten piece of paper or a missed appointment, that’s a really awesome time to practice self-love. Get into a habit of not making as big of a deal about these missteps, because if and when something big does go wrong, that could push you to your breaking point! You is kind, you is smart, you is important. But seriously. You are beautiful, and you are worthy of love, even when you can’t always see it. Your value is not dependent on what you make or produce; you are INHERENTLY worthy of love, ESPECIALLY of your own love. https://gfycat.com/handsomescientificchick
Growing up, we have this incredible fearlessness towards trying new things – art, gymnastics, dance, soccer, horseback riding, you name it! Somewhere around puberty however, that creative play and desire to learn without the fear of judgment or failure, begins to lessen. According to Brene Brown, a researcher-storyteller on Fear and Shame, 85% of adults remember a traumatic experience in school where their creativity was thwarted, and they literally walk away from it having a changed view of themselves as learners (see citation below). The result of this shaming against creativity, is that we become afraid of trying new things, for fear of looking foolish — we lose a serious chunk of our silly, our playful, our curious, and our unique, all of the beautiful things that make us who we are, that make us different from the person sitting beside us.
The purpose of sharing this statistic, is that it means 85% of Brown’s 1500 interviewees believes they are not creative, and believes on some level they should not think outside the box. A result of our own education system….. fundamentally knocking us down a peg. This is very likely not the first time in life that we were asked to, or scolded into, conforming, but this is the one we remember because puberty is such a formative time. Somewhere around that same time, we then learned what “cool” was, and probably that we were not that cool, unless you were the first born in your family (and then just believe everything you do is the coolest – hi older brothers, sisters, and only children!), or maybe you were extremely attractive, athletic, talented, funny, charismatic, smart, etc. at a young age and were somehow able to deny the peer and societal pressure to try to look and act cooler than you knew you were. And honestly, i was athletic, fairly smart, and moderately attractive, and I absolutely spent allllll of middle school and high school trying to get the attention and approval of people I maybe didn’t even like all that much; the hierarchy of “cool” was way more important than anyone’s personality. This is wildly fucked up. My “story” was that I was generally friendly, well-rounded in school and sports, and a hard worker. What I told myself my story was: your braces are hideous, your thighs are too fat, why did you think bangs were a good idea that one time, and those boys will never give you the time of day, so just be at least fun enough to hang out with their girlfriends. Oh, and maybe if you do their homework for them, they’ll talk to you at parties.
Woah. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually spoken any of these truths. What even is “cool” and why are we telling ourselves it is important? Joe Rogan talks in one of his podcasts about hierarchy he’s seen in children at a birthday party for one of his daughters’ friends, how the “leader” child knows ZERO more than any of the other kids, he is just more confident about it, so everyone else follows suit. Guess what? That’s akin to hierarchies in the rest of human societies. The smartest person isn’t usually at the top of the food chain… unless he or she was blessed with both brains and charisma (cue Kristin Chenoweth “Popular” – “it’s not about aptitude, it’s the way you’re viewed..”). I digress. Cool is nothing. Cool ain’t shit. Seriously, stop trying to be cool.
We spend a really lot of time during these early years trying to fit into a mold of who we want to be instead of just letting our personalities, our gifts, and our heart guide us. And then, to feel cool, to feel like we fit in with a group of people (because humans have an innate need to feel a sense of belonging to something greater than themselves), we judge others and are mean to each other to cause them pain. This is totally a defense mechanism so that we don’t need to face our own pain and our own demons. We do not identify our insecurities (I’m not good enough/skinny enough/ smart enough/ pretty enough), and then we project them onto others — “how dare she wear that, her ass looks disgusting,” sounds a lot like “I’m self-conscious of my own appearance, and I’m jealous of anyone who is secure enough to wear something they feel comfortable in.” We become really good at causing others pain, and we eventually totally normalize these processes… look at half the memes on your instagram and facebook and tell me you’re not laughing at the expense of someone else. I will not for one second tell you that I am holier than thou, and that those memes aren’t hilarious, but please be able to remove yourself from it. It doesn’t have to be 100% love all the time – that’d be great if it was, I’m pretty sure we’d all be a lot happier – but it should be like 80/20 to allow for all the other 29 emotions. Anger, frustration, rage, grief….. It can be really hard to show love when you are in those feelings. But start by loving yourself and identifying the emotion you’re in.
Okay, so now that we’re all on the same page (me thinks?!) on where our negative narratives come from and why we love to hate each other and judge one another, let’s get real vulnerable here. I’m going to tell you that it’s OKAY to love yourself, and I need you to step out of judgment so that you can start to believe that YOU are also worthy of your own love. I’ve spent 28 and 3/4 years thinking that I was not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough. I may have tricked you into believing that I was super self-confident, and you may have even thought I was a little bit of a narcissist the way I loved to talk talk talk talk talk (I called myself a sarcastic narcissist because I did NOT believe what I was saying when it was anything positive about myself). This energy that I put out was exactly what I received back. I was insecure, so I drew towards me humans with equal or worse insecurities. We were unkind to ourselves and we brought each other down instead of lifting each other up. My timelines were flooded with abrasive and angry commentaries and outlooks. I cried to my girlfriends one night at dinner after I had decided to take a break, for the first time in like 7 months, from therapy; I absolutely KNEW there was no way that I was as awful of a human as I was feeling about myself that I was. There’s no way that I could bring such joy to so many friends and family just by being me, and still be as miserable as I had been in my heart every day, because of feeling not good enough. This was probably my 4th major breakdown in 6 years. And I was fucking sick of it. I started telling myself that I deserved happiness, and then: POOF! I WAS BETTER, IT’S A MIRACLE! Just kidding. I did start telling myself though that I deserved to love myself, and started reallllly slowly crawling down the road to recovery. I realized that I was trying really hard to play a role in the narrative I’d been telling myself – “if I act like the cool girl,” “if i workout 6 days a week,” “if I keep the apartment spotless,’ “if I just make this month’s revenue goal,” “if I take on one more project at work” … then everything would get better, I would feel enough. This is a continuation of the lie. I needed to get real with myself and stop trying to pretend to be anything other than the ME that was hiding behind this protective armor, the suit we put on in adolescence so that we don’t need to TRY out our gifts, because we are afraid to fail… that suit, had begun to eat away at my soul.
Ten months later and I’m on the beginning chunk of the best trip of my life. I’ve kept a journal of all my endeavors since leaving the States, and have a long travel day ahead. I know that I do my best learning with conversing, but my best reflecting is on those days I’m alone and can sit in silence, so that’s when there’s real growth. I am sitting on the plane and thinking about all the great chance encounters I’ve had, and a nice thing a new friend had said to me the day before, when I realize I had had that exact same thought a week earlier. I decide to scour through my notes, and begin a list of ALL the nice things people have said to me that are not appearance-related; this list (on my phone for easy access) is complete with quotations, locations, and names, so that it can immediately transport me to the moment it was said and the joy it brought me. When I’m feeling self-conscious or not good enough, I refer to my list, and I can read something like, Anna, Italy, “Kids are drawn to you without even speaking their language, it’s so compelling to see,” Ireland, James, “I’m going to miss your company; you’re so easy to get along with,” or Barcelona, Victoria, “I love your energy and I felt really good talking to you.” My heart is full each time I read these kind words. The compliments were given to me in kindness, friendship, and in truth, because I offered each of these friends the same. What a seriously beautiful thing… to believe myself now, when I say that I am awesome and to no longer mean it sarcastically? Why should I think any differently? Why should any of us? If I am being authentic and showing kindness, there is no reason that people wouldn’t, at the very least, appreciate my realness, and at best, love me for it. I don’t mean to say that I am so awesome I should stop trying to change/grow/learn.
What I mean is that I want to be able to be alone with me. If I can’t be honest with my own truth, my own demons and faults, and love myself fully nonetheless, how can I expect anyone else to love me with all they’ve got? How can I expect that someone will want to encourage me to be my whole self, in all my quirky weirdness, if I’m not comfortable to be that true version of myself?! Also, why is my true self behind a barrier; am I allowed to take off the mask and be real yet? I feel really blessed that I’m coming to this realization at 29 instead of 39, and I intend to continue to make a concerted effort on a regular basis to remind myself that I am awesome, and that no matter what I am up against on any given day, my self-worth is not on the line. No matter how many times I try and fail, no matter how anxious I am or how awkward and uncomfortable things get, I am not a failure, and I am not stupid… I am totally worthy of loving myself, and worthy of happiness. https://gfycat.com/serpentineoffensiveamericanblackvulture
Writing down kind words others say about you is a habit I’ve encouraged a couple of close friends to try. I realized how beautiful these thoughtful compliments were, and I have become much more inclined to give them out when I felt a strong connection with someone. Everyone needs a little love and kindness – a genuine compliment can turn someone’s entire day around; for me, it quite literally changed my life. While none of the sentiments by themselves are particularly inspiring or meaningful on their own, when I read 15x that different people in different places thought I was great, it’s hard to deny that. I encourage you to try this. Start with words people have said to you in kindness that you remember making you feel warmth and love. I wish I could tell you that one day you will just wake up and love yourself deeply, but I think it’s really effort. I think that just like how loving another person day-in and day-out requires the choice to love them, to respect them, to be kind to them each day, I think that you have to choose each day to love yourself. And then you have to recognize love when you see it, and feel gratitude for those people coming into your life and speaking that truth to you.
You guys. This is like the most hidden-in-plain-sight message I’ve ever learned. We need to start to love ourselves before we can love each other better. This message is in every song and every movie. This is a lesson your teachers and parents may have tried to teach you. You are wonderful, and beautiful, and worthy of a deep sense of love and belonging. Be authentically you, be true to your heart, and tell yourself that you are an absolute rockstar. I fricken totally love you and thank you for reading this long ass love letter. I can’t wait to talk about kindness with you in a couple of days.
Works Cited:
https://brenebrown.com/blog/2015/07/27/the-most-dangerous-stories-we-make-up/
(if you haven’t heard of her, I highly recommend listening to ANY of her TED talks! Her audiobook on Hoopla, The Power of Authenticity has moved me to tears on numerous occasions; love ya Brene)
Hoopla is an app and a free book/movie/music-borrowing service, currently available all over the US and parts of Canada; all you need is a Library card! And all you need to get a library card in most cities is a photo ID and a piece of mail that says you live in that library’s district. Cha-ching – a penny saved is a penny earned! Put all your pennies towards experiences, and not things $$. See if your town has Hoopla here: https://www.zeemaps.com/view?group=661471
