“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering” – Yoda.
After several deep talks with my host parents about conversations I’ve had with the kids recently on hard subjects like: “it’s okay to be sad or angry, but then we have to use our words to express what our feelings are about,” and “it’s okay to laugh at ourselves, and it’s nice when other people laugh with us! We love to laugh, and so if we get to share laughter with someone else, it means that we enjoy each other and we get to have this great moment together of joy!” And “giving things to others and doing nice things for people makes us feel nice in our brain and in our heart.” Giuseppe has told me (likely in jest) that he believes I am ready for the very specific spiritual experience that is a certain museum in Florence. In talking about these chats with the kiddos, there is an unspoken awareness between myself and my host parents, that you can’t have a conversation with a child about these hard subjects without thinking about the way that adults/we individually, do exactly what the child is doing. Kids are just us…. They are just small humans, who wear their heart on their sleeves a little better than us. They still experience embarrassment, fear, joy, love… but everything they feel, they feel it better, and they express it differently.
As Giuseppe tells me this “you are ready,” I can’t help but reflect on the ways in which I do feel spiritually ready for the emotional experience that so many people have said occurs internally at this museum….. But also all the ways that I am still not even close. In London last year, and in the weeks following my return to NY around Christmas time, I kept saying that I had this wealth of knowledge and I just needed to share it. I honestly believed I was there. There was no greater enlightenment than that which I had already discovered. I was all knowing, all seeing, all loving. The more the days pass into what I now clearly see is a far longer journey than I had initially come to believe, the more I see that there is a full on community already in existence of people on the path to enlightenment. Literally entire religions are revolved around this subject. Who knew?!? It feels a little silly to think I believed I’d made it in three months, but now that I am acknowledging it (much like acknowledging my feelings as they begin to reach the surface), it doesn’t feel ignorant or lacking… it’s like, so exciting suddenly. Not knowing has gone from this terrible, anxiety-ridden, fearful thing, to this really beautiful, really humbling experience where I can just own my present state, and let new information, experiences, moments, spirituality, wash over me and learn from it. Learning is exciting again. I think about the ways this would have been thought and spoken a year or 6 months ago. Something more to the effect of: “please listen to me, but I definitely don’t really know what I’m talking about, so only listen a little bit, and if you don’t listen at all, that’s okay too.” My confidence in not knowing and my eagerness to learn and to draw from new opportunities and interactions has me totally lit up, in all the ways…. It’s “lit,” if you will.
So here we are, learning every day, either a skill or a craft, or becoming more of an expert on something work-related or hobby/play-related, experiencing new things. Serving some purpose other than just existing, waking up, going to work, paying the bills, eating, sleeping, and some social media in between. Having just a little bit more of a purpose in life is making all the difference in the world to me. My purpose is currently spreading love and joy, and becoming an expert on how to access love and joy. All that being said, the more I seek these things, and the more happiness I come across, the more I also delve into these intense moments of emotion. I am moved to tears by books and podcasts and every day conversation that aren’t even really meant to elicit an emotional response, but it’s because I’m realizing JUST how much I don’t know. Just how much of my emotional depth I haven’t even scratched the surface on… just how much darkness is really inside all of us. We work hard to just exist monotonously, almost in an effort to not acknowledge our good and bad side. This goes back to the armor that we wear to protect ourselves from the world, from fear, rejection and hurt. In Chapter 2 of 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson talks about the story in Genesis and how it relates to our shame today and across the human experience. The fall of man comes from eating the apple from the serpent (later we learn is Satan) from the Tree of Knowledge, because it will give man God-like knowledge and consciousness. From this choice by Eve, and then in her sharing with Adam, man will no longer be good BECAUSE he is pure and unknowing, but man will now have to CHOOSE to be good or to be bad. This is because that darkness lives inside all of us, as humans; if we can CHOOSE to follow this path balanced carefully between the two worlds, that is the Way [or Christ, or Buddha, or the Universe, or many gods, whatever]. Only then can we return back to a state of goodness in paradise, and only then have we CHOSEN to do so, THROUGH consciousness, and not because of unconsciousness. (If you’re confused, here are four much simpler sentences, scroll down for 2 seconds to get to Chpt. 2, but I think you need the imagery) …. Holy shit. You’re telling me, that humans have had this information for literally thousands of years? And also that I’ve been hearing this story in Church since I was literally in the womb? And I’m acknowledging it again now, 29.75 years later, for potentially the first time? Also, Star Wars. Also WE HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE OUR DARKNESS TO SEE THE LIGHT?!?!! Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. I’m laughing as I write this but crying on the bus reading my books, crying while run I run along the beautiful seaside listening to my podcasts, only slowing to catch my breath and feel the breeze, and face the moment. Literal tears as I acknowledge my darkness, my fear, my shame, my hurt. It’s so freakin’ beautiful.
One of my big projects at present is self-love. Again, I thought I was there, two months ago and three months ago and six months ago. I told a now-friend of mine on our first date via Hinge over the summer that I was, on that night, “the best version of myself I had ever been.” And I really felt it and believed it – I thought I loved myself then.. And I did love myself, but not nearly as much as I do now. It’s amazing to say that, knowing that I still have days where I don’t feel beautiful or adequate in so many ways, but that I now do know confidently that those days are few and far between, and even if I don’t feel externally beautiful, I have a beautiful soul, and I am worthy of love and healthy and supportive relationships. My physical beauty, my output, my success — these things are not determinants of my worth. This has been my project now for a couple of weeks because last month in Venice, I was telling a friend I met from South Africa about the “smile file.” I talked about this in the second blog, Self-Love & Kindness, Pt 1, though I didn’t learn a name for it until a few weeks after publishing when I heard it in The Little Book of Lykke – writing down positive compliments IS an actual thing, because our brains are wired evolutionarily to remember the negative over the positive; you were more likely to survive as a species if you could recall a threat. It turns out so many of the things that have worked for me actually have research backing it….and some of the things that worked for me won’t work for lots of people. We are a perpetual work in progress. Find what works for you, and make those changes from a place of love, not hate. Then stick to what works, til you find something that works better. We are living, growing, changing beings, and we deserve to allow our habits and lifestyles to change and evolve with us as such.
Okay so I’m telling my dude Kovi about the Smile File, and I tell him what I told you, “I write down ALL the nice things people have said to me that are not appearance-related”…. I give him some examples. He loves this idea and loves how much joy it has brought me, but inquires, “why not any appearance compliments?” Ya know…….. I’m stumped. Why not any physical appearance… why can I still not handle those compliments? So on this month’s portion of my spiritual journey to enlightenment, I will guide you where I’ve been guided by the universe in the weeks following this conversation. Self. Fucking. Care. This doesn’t mean long bubble baths or bath bombs and wine and girls night (side note, I hate bath bombs, or actually anything super fragrant, if anyone was thinking of sending me a gift for my 30th birthday on May 2nd lol). The self care checklist I am following is super simple and can be done in ten minutes. I do the first three things in about 2 minutes, first thing in the morning, before even checking my phone, and cross them off the list (read more here) and feel super accomplished because I’ve already done three things that make me feel ME: wanna know what they are? 1. Make bed. 2. Drink glass of water. 3. Take vitamins. I get out of bed, I turn the lights on, I do 30 seconds worth of things, to include drinking the glass of water on my nightstand, and I feel like I’ve started the day far better than if I had scrolled through my social media for 30 minutes or hit snooze 4 times. I have a moment to breath, I can drink tea, I can take a shower, I can do whatever I want….. I keep hearing about waking up 15-45 minutes earlier than you have to, to have some time to yourself before starting your day, and I really think there’s something to it – my interest in checking things off a list is lessened significantly as the hours of the day pass, but in the morning, I couldn’t be MORE motivated to knock those items off. A lot of people are not morning people, I get that, but like everything else in life: practice makes improvement, and change takes action. Create a habit by starting. Show your procrastination and inability to create and keep good habits who’s boss. It’s no longer January, so it’s now just a plan, and not a resolution that you have to break (just kidding – I really believe you can do it and I support you in your efforts and want you to succeed! Go succeed!).
The other things on my list are harder… gratitude and affirmations. This month’s Monthly challenge for myself is to meditate for 5 minutes every day. Positive affirmations so far have been, two out of three, revolving around my physical appearance, because I know it’s my struggle area. I’ll let you know after 30 or 60 days have passed if I feel more confident, but honestly, I already am digging telling myself in the mirror that I am beautiful and I feel comfortable in my own skin. Hopefully in another 2-6 months I’ll really believe it with every fiber of my being. In the meantime, I will trust the process. And report back soon.
In seeing this in myself, deeply, and in ways I felt I had already healed, I realize a couple of things 1. that I have always loved SOME things about myself (again, the “sarcastic narcissist,” some things were the best) and 2. I have always spoken affirmations. The things I’ve always loved have very rarely been about my physical appearance – which is such bullshit because I have always worked hard to maintain my outward appearance?!? But here I am. And the affirmations I have spoken: always negative… since jump street… we’ve discussed this in previous entries. So this is really exciting and I’m ready to rewrite the story (again, and probably again, and again until death and that’s okay. Heal me, loving universe.) But everything everything everything I have been reading, researching, hearing, and being pointed at (thanks uni, you my boy), is telling me that a mental health regimen is JUST as important as a physical health one. If that means reading, or crossword puzzles (I see you Cannon), Duolingo, learning new songs to sing or to play on an instrument, meditating, whatever it means to you, go do it. Some active choice, several times a week, that challenges your mind. Getting our bodies right will help boost immunities, serotonin, endorphins; all the happy chemicals – do this first and foremost by getting enough sleep and eating right. Word of caution: pretty sure “eating right” is not an exact science for every single person across the board. I think that you have to be in tune with your own body to figure out what foods do and do not agree with your insides to decide if you should be vegetarian or carnivore or keto or whatever… but I do firmly believe that your diet should be a lifestyle and not a fad… so something that is sustainable for the way you live, and try and stay away from processed foods as best you can. If you haven’t yet, check out Whole 30 here, and remember, every body is different. Then get your brain back in action.
Saying it again: enough sleep, food that fuels, then exercise your brain. After that, no matter what depressed, anxious, emotional slump you have been in, once you adjust those items, your body starts to fight off the negativity. Try to employ gratitude. Then try and go for a walk – walks are great because they’re a slow way to get yourself into exercise if you’ve been out of the game for a while/forever. There’s also a Japanese practice called Forest-bathing, not naked, just walking through nature, with clothes on, that research has shown increases immune system functioning (less likely to get sick, and more likely to have a quicker recovery if you do get sick), reduces blood pressure and stress, improves mood and sleep, and increases focus and energy (Little Book of Lykke). Then of course, the obvious benefit… you get to roll in all the riches all around you, and for once, never wonder what they’re worth (Pocahontas, 1995). Do these things, and you have literally changed your life. You have committed to actionable items, you have committed to making time for mental exercise, therefore committing to an appointment that is yours that you cannot break – it isn’t work, and it isn’t social (unless it’s trivia night), it’s yours and yours alone. This is your self care time. And these are the things that will make you feel whole and loved – even if it’s just making your bed, drinking water, taking your vitamins, and telling yourself every day “I am awesome and I am comfortable in my own skin.”
I believe this is my most jumbled post so far. But my thoughts have been jumbled this week and I blame Mercury in Retrograde because I can. This is really a confession of that I don’t have shit figured out. I know this to be true, but I also know that I am infinitely happier for trying. In acknowledging my fears and shame stories and emotions, I am inspiring others to do the same, and I am so humbled by the growth and learning that just absolutely doesn’t stop when you become open to it. Nothing changes if nothing changes… Face your darkness, it’s there. I’ve got a long way to go, and I love you guys for coming along with me. Cue Avicii, Wake Me Up.
This Week’s Inspiration:
Man’s Original Sin ~Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos
Affirmations ~ Danika Brysha, The Virtual Brunch Series
Eating Right ~ Whole 30
Forest Bathing ~ Meik Wiking, Little Book of Lykke
Star Wars, Pocahontas, Lion King, Avicii, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Marshmello
