Today’s post is completely off course from my usual, but after a realization about a week ago, I am looking to switch gears a little bit! I recognized that 90% or more of the information I consume is in audio or video, and so many people I’ve told about this blog have come back to me with the question “audio?” In an effort to keep up, and to respect and honor my own gifts, I want to move this more towards a video and audio effort. I love story-telling, and while writing has become the mostttt therapeutic for me, I do firmly believe now that my purpose will be better served in this way. The hope is to have a podcast up and running in the next couple of months or so, since that is my favorite medium for consuming information and I think the most accessible way to be able to download and listen later, but in the meantime, my videos will continue to be posted daily on IG to my story, with a longer “themed” vlog post (roughly) weekly on my page, and I’ve also just begun a YouTube channel (archaic, I know). So, you know the drill – like, subscribe, turn your notifications on to my page, comment, and keep following the journey!
I will have to make a video on this and maybe that will really internalize it for me, but today will just be a quick glance at this issue. This post is mostly acting as a reminder to you to follow me on IG or subscribe to the associated youtube channel, for slightly shorter, but equally insightful, peeks into the journey into kindness and authenticity that I’m undergoing and hoping to drag you into with me!! Other than that, it’s about supporting people in the best way we possibly can without giving too much of ourselves. This challenge has presented itself to me so many times in the last few weeks, that I’m certain we are dealing with this issue in droves. Once you get out of your early 20s, it seems to be that everyone quickly starts heading in their own direction. Even though it’s likely that that direction will change for more people than not, your safety net, your true crew, your support system is crucial to your success. For women, it seems to go something like this – the first wedding is a huge deal. The first to go onto further education, big deal. The first baby. The first to get their dream job. The first to quit their worst ever job. The first to buy a house. You get the idea… the first is a big deal.. Because likely it’s the only big deal we’re dealing with since we might be 23 or 26. As we get older, many of us still crave that positive attention and meaningful social interaction (re: innate human desire for connection and a sense of belonging), however suddenly everyone else is celebrating their own little wins, or battling their own little (or huge) losses, and can’t be at your beck and call to help you in your need of support. We’re all at different stages, and on different pages, and while your logical side might see this clearly, your emotional and sensitive side has a hard time grasping it. And remember, your feelings are valid, soooo, feel ‘em.
A couple of things happen next: (1) Someone becomes angry or upset at the prospect that no one cares about what they’re going through, and isolates themself, or becomes ostracized for too strenuous a need for attention. (2) The plea for attention is never truly absolved, feelings are hurt, and a resolution is never come to. (3) The friendship remains, though not growing authentically as the participants may or may not be in their individual development; or the friendship dissolves. Well shit. I don’t want to have a bunch of friends with whom I can’t be real in 5 years….. Or worse….. I don’t want to have no friends in five years. though , fewer friends isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it turns out quality is a way better return on investment than quantity….However, if I’ve made it 8 or 10 or 15 years with this person, how were we able to make it through all these other major life changes, but not this one?
Here’s where it gets tricky. If you are consistently finding that you are the friend that needs support, that is OKAY. Everyone has rough seasons. I hope that you know who you can turn to in this time of need. A good way to start the conversation though, is asking if a person or people have the emotional space to take on what you are about to lay into them with. Sometimes it’s just not the time to vent. Another good question to ask yourself, (if group chats are an option): would this message garner a better response in a group text, or in a one-on-one phone call, email, or in person chat? Obviously the in-person scenario is not always possible, but it’s amazing what a good video chat can fix, honestly. Sometimes the way that we are reaching out with good or bad news is not so much untimely or on an inappropriate forum, so much that it is a combination of really difficult factors for people to appropriately reply to. A missed phone call with a voicemail and individual text combo of “I’m really struggling with the break up right now,” or “please call me, the in laws are at it again,” are going to give me a moment to reply and muster up some compassion and empathy for you, if I have it in the tank. If I don’t, I can compassionately reply that “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this today, but XYZ just happened over here and I’m on damage control myself; can I call you this weekend?” (and mean it). A fantastic reply for the person on the listening end is to ask the friend if they are looking for advice, or just someone to hear them.
Going back to being the person who is asking for the support, please use your words. No one can read your mind, and if you need help, especially if you need help and are looking for guidance to change something in your life, then that means you are ready for help, and you need to let us know where you’re at. We love you and want to help.
Finally, the stagnant friendship. The friendship that refuses to grow. This is where I struggle… I am the queen of second and third and infinity chances. Perhaps too forgiving, too trusting, or too loving, but I’m learning to trust my intuition and listen to my body, which has helped me to be a much better judge of character for new friends… now I need to really apply it to old friends too. The best way to manage this is one-on-one. In person, or on the phone/video chat is probably best, and not via text message. If you are the one that sees the problem, you need to initiate the conversation – “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been withdrawing a lot in the group chat, and haven’t wanted to hang out in a really long time”…. Or, “every time we’re all supposed to get together, you bail at the last minute. Is everything okay?” “Yeah, I’m fine, just a bunch of little things you know.” …. “I don’t know, can we talk about them? I think that if we don’t, you’re just going to keep pulling yourself further and further away…. And this has already been going on for months.” This is a hard conversation, but it’s better to break up and touch base again when everyone’s in a better space, or needing that friendship again, than to let it weigh on both parties each time there is a less than meaningful interaction. Just because someone has been in your life for a long time doesn’t mean that they have to be a lifelong friend. Sometimes we grow out of friendships…. In a time of social media and instant communication, the once a month reach out to a friend across the state, once every 3 months to a friend across the country, or once every 6 months to a friend living in another country…. That is not a huge investment of time for either person, but goes a long way in showing that you actually care about or think about this person. For people who bring more negativity into your life than they bring light, for your own sanity, for your own peace, for your own development, it is so important to drop those people that you have outgrown.
If you are the person bringing the negativity into your interactions, what can you do to be more positive, so that your friends aren’t constantly outgrowing you? Look inward. Are you being true to your authentic self? Or are you trying to be cooler, more stoic, or more cruel than your best self brings forth? Are you asking for support when you need it, in a thoughtful and compassionate way, or are you expecting that people know what you need from them, even though that doesn’t seem to be working? Look inward y’all. Practice gratitude daily, and start keeping better track of your days – what you eat, what you dream, how you spend your free time, what your feelings are. You are very likely searching for a higher meaning or purpose, but tracking your days will give you clues as to what makes you feel good and what doesn’t…. And doing the same thing day in and day out will also illustrate how this is never going to effectively institute any change.
Alright, if you haven’t already – search LizWithout APillow on Youtube and subscribe to my channel 😉 Here’s the first video on Compassion & Empathy, which I posted on IG last week @lizwithoutapillow. There will definitely be some overlap with my videos and what you’ve already read if you’ve been here since Day 0, but there will also be lots of new, up-to-the-minute things happening there as well! So get excited!
Thanks for being here you guys, love you and I’ll see you soon!
