We are in a seriously pivotal moment in history because of a major leaning into consciousness and spiritual awakening that we are right on the cusp of. People are talking about their unhappiness, the overworked’ness, and the anger and resentment of like, everybody. As Jim Kwik said, “maybe we’re not burnt out because we’re doing too many things, maybe we’re burnt out because we’re not doing enough of the things that make us feel alive” (Kwik Brain Podcast: Discovering Your Passion & Purpose with guest, Jonathan Fields). Yoga and meditation are being accepted after coming into the mainstream almost a decade ago now. Journaling is gaining momentum since Tony Robbins and other motivators talking about self-authoring and the unarguable evidence from people creating a plan for their future, demonstrating the power of setting pen to paper. Things that are good for your soul are becoming popular, which is what needs to happen for us to wake up and snap out of it. Our generation was all kinds of fucked up from being at the beginning of the “everybody gets a trophy” revolution, and you-can-do-anything! — but we’re also going to continuously knock you down a peg, at home and in school, thwarting your creativity so that even though you CAN do anything, you should probably still just go to college or start a trade and do something that will make you money. I now believe this is because we were bound for greatness – we were sensitive from the get go; our parents were screwed up by their parents, and so they wanted badly to allow us to have feelings, because maybe they weren’t allowed to have them. We were bound to free ourselves and free our parents from the generational baggage that has been passed down through our families from faulty systems in place to deal with discomfort and negative feelings. We were also at the beginning of a change in the way people consume entertainment, and the first generation to have grown up with the internet…. I have now had a cell phone for more years of my life than I did not have a cell phone — so we’re the first ones to have to figure out what all that means. This is maybe a perspective thing, because every generation has had their problems, but it feels like we are the first generation to really be WHOLLY interested in a major shift in consciousness for the general population, to collectively believe that we are being duped by the system. Because we are able to connect with people thousands of miles away instantly, we can see JUST how many people are struggling with finding passion and truth in their life. It’s maybe just as scary as growing up and living and dying in the same town, thinking everyone around you is very happy in their perfect little life, and you’re the only mad man who doesn’t have their shit together. We can now see that actually no one has their shit together, and we’re all just saving face, trying to get through the day. What we as a generation have the potential to create, is a better future. A better tomorrow. We have the choice, and collectively the gifts, to exist in a life that we create, that we are legitimately happy in, true to ourselves and our desires — not just in a life that we want others to perceive as perfect.
We have to find that truth, that passion, that purpose. The only way to do that is to love yourself enough to give yourself the freedom to choose. I know I haven’t stopped saying this, but the more I research and the more I hear about it, the more certain I am. When you are angry and resentful of your own actions, (not keeping your things organized, binge eating, missing an appointment, blacking out, not getting a job promotion, hating your relationship, missing a workout).. No matter how big or small… your internal critic, your narrator, the voice inside your head, tells you that you suck… and then you start to believe it, and believe that you DON’T deserve anything better. That narrator is fucking wrong. He or she is telling an old story, and you don’t need to believe it anymore! You’re a grown up, and YOU have the choice to change any little thing in your life that you so choose. Choose your bad habit – only one – and decide that you will change it, for 30 days. Decide it, and be serious. When I make a decision that I’ve struggled in the past with keeping, I tell people close to me that I have decided “this is my thing” so that they can support me in my venture and I can check in with them when I’m feeling vulnerable or weak. During the break up, I kept reminding myself “friends will be there when you need them” – which goes with authenticity and mental health – knowing that these people WANT me to be better, they want me to succeed, more than sometimes I can even want it for myself, that I can reach out to them and they will cheer me on and encourage me and not let me quit… that’s pretty awesome. However small that first habit you choose to break, or new habit you choose to start, whatever it is, you set that first goal, and hold yourself accountable however you can. When you succeed, that’s self-care, and when you cheer yourself on for that tiny win, that’s self love. LOVE YOURSELF.
Okay, not the purpose of this article, but I do need to reiterate that every chance I get because as I’ve mentioned in my last post or two, I struggle with recognizing that this journey is not linear. We have to re-heal the same old wounds over and over and then, maybe, eventually, once it has really become internalized, we really heal… I can’t speak to those ends though; I haven’t been on this ride for long enough to know.
Once you love yourself, once you are speaking your emotions and not bottling up your truths and desires, you’re cheering yourself on, your narrator is speaking lovingly to you because you are totally awesome, and you are celebrating your wins, THEN you have the freedom to experiment. The freedom to try new paths to find your purpose. This takes trial and error and failing a million times. What if your life’s purpose is to be an opera singer, a famous writer, or an app creator, and you have never tried singing, writing, or using your tech skills outside of the office? What if you just work hard at work, all day long, come home tired and cranky, eat something, and waste away on social media before sleep. We all do that sometimes, but give yourself the freedom to work a little less at the things you hate, and a little more at something that could bring you joy. Little by little, you will start to choose things that you love, and become a different version of the you you are today. This is the transformation.
It’s really scary to think about taking any small steps in a direction that might better our situation, because that’s like admitting that maybe what we went to college for, or our career path we’ve been on for 3, or 8, or 15 years, wasn’t the right one, and we’ve invested all this time and energy into this one thing, and now we have to change. What I realized in the last year, is that I FEEL younger now than I have in years. I loved my old job, and in fact, I did feel young when I was there; since the rest of my life wasn’t bringing me joy though, the long hours eventually burnt me out. No matter what I did, revenue wouldn’t be enough for somebody. That wasn’t the culture at entry level, and was not what I signed on for in working with children, so I knew I no longer aligned with the mission. I was aging there in the suburbs outside Boston faster than I was aging with the Army in the desert. I think that’s what purpose is about… how you feel. Finding your purpose really means suddenly not feeling so old anymore, because there’s no longer an end goal — a dollar amount or job title that will mean you’ve made it…. Your purpose is deeply imprinted, and drives you, and follows you through life, through all of your transformations. Your passions may change, hell, your purpose may even evolve, but it will be through transformations that you’re able to figure that out. We wrongly associate accomplishment with purpose, but I hear a different story a few times a week about people who are great at their jobs but are also completely miserable in their job. If you’re miserable at work, but still able to live the life you want because of that job, and not in spite of it, then it’s only your job you hate and that works for a shit ton of people, so all the power to you. But statistics show that 80% of people are unhappy and unfulfilled in their work; maybe if that number was flipped, and only 20% of the world was unhappy and unfulfilled, perhaps we would be less angry because we wouldn’t be working day in and day out without any notable meaning or passion to speak of (Simon Sinek, Start With Why). If you are miserable at your job, and it’s carrying over into being miserable in life, then just start. Start being kinder to yourself, being more present and then more grateful. Then start to make tiny changes towards a better you. Start looking after future you, because at the end of the day, you are the only one who can make those changes actually happen.
So now you have given yourself the freedom to choose new things: an instrument, a movement class, art. It brings you joy, it lights you up, and it gives you time to be you and to reflect. Maybe it isn’t your passion, but you’ll get there as long as you keep doing things that are new, exercising your brain and your heart. You’re being more honest with yourself because this thing is your choice: if you love it, you continue to make time for it; if you hate this thing, you can quit and move on to something else. In being more honest with yourself, and in giving yourself time to reflect, you become more able to verbalize yourself better, and more accepting and loving of yourself for learning this new thing, and accepting of your not being so good at it in the beginning. Now what will our community think if we suddenly decide that we no longer want to be the exact same as we have been for the last year or five? We’ve been unhappy, but from the outside everything looked fine — bills paid, in a relationship, nice house/car/clothes. Why would we want to change anything if everything’s been okay? Our community may first fight back. They might not want to see you do something to better yourself. They might not want to see you trying to change. What your transformation does is shines a light on other people’s circumstances. Even if your intent is noble, even if you don’t mean to cast judgment or comparison, that is what we do as humans. We compare even when our situations are nothing alike — we all have our own “particular, specific problems — financial, intimate, psychological, and otherwise [that] are embedded in the unique broader context of your existence,” but we choose to compare because it’s in our nature and because that’s what happens when you live in a community; competition (Rule 4, Peterson, 12 Rules). My belief is that it would happen less if we were happier as the human race, and more loving, kind, trusting and free, but that it would still happen to some degree.
Decide for yourself, that your transformation is more important to you than what your neighbors think, even more important than what your parents think; decide that WHEN you start to trust your gut, when you start to listen to your loving internal voice, and not that angry asshole internal voice, that you are MORE you… more happy…. More fulfilled. You are open and honest with your partner as this transformation begins. You tell them that you want to be a better girlfriend, a better friend, a happier person, and you’re going to start out with this one thing. You want to have a stronger relationship in this new version of yourself, and this openness is imperative to being authentic on your individual journey. After figuring out your specific questions and feeling out where your spiritual and internal growth will begin, then you can ask your partner: “where do we want to be in five years? What are our goals as a couple next month or next year? In our ideal relationship, what would we have time for?” (Earn Your Happy Podcast with guest Destinee Berman; Light + Life Live podcast with guest Sarah Pendrick) You inspire them to want to be better, and your relationship to be better. They support your transformation, and you give them permission to transform their life as well. The alternative to this, is that you continue to squash your own needs and desires and truth – your internal critic continues to hate you, resent you for your inadequacies and shame you for your flaws. As a result, you are angry with your partner (unless they see the best in you and bring out the better) and you additionally squash their outlets and their freedoms too. You don’t support them in their transformation, and you demand that they remain the same version of themself that they were when you started dating. We aren’t the same anymore, and we shouldn’t want to be – each season of our life brings on new challenges, new experiences and new revelations – learn from them. Live life with a highlighter, and remember the lessons that you learn. Don’t expect to remain fixed. Let your partner change, grow, and evolve too. Let that evolution inspire change in you. By grabbing them too tight, you are thwarting their creativity, their play, their truth (The Angry Therapist Podcast: Love North of Possession). Just like you cannot MAKE someone love you who doesn’t, you can’t make an addict quit, you can’t force a child to behave — these are possessive desires to make ourselves and our relationships fit into an unnatural mold that isn’t true to ourselves or our needs – just the image we have worked so hard to uphold, this persona that we want people to believe is actually us, the mask that we wear that doesn’t suit us anymore as adults. All of that creates resentment, anger and rebellion. Transformation WITH love and support leads to growth, a stronger bond, and more love…. Don’t be afraid of them being so free they choose to leave; the freedom you are giving yourself and them is a gift of deep belonging and healthy supportive love: “I accept you as you are, all versions of who you are, and choose you every time” (Amir Levine, Attached & Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability).
I’m trying to send you guys home with this message again to love yourself, but also to love yourself in all moments and in whatever season you are in. We all change and evolve, we get better or worse, but we grow into different versions of ourselves constantly. When we love openly and freely, without strangulation or suffocation, we allow ourselves to grow and transition. When we try to control our emotions and our wants, all that comes is fear and anger. We need to give ourselves permission to change and to give our partners permission to grow. Change doesn’t need to be as scary as we make it out to be, because it’s only hard at the beginning. Allow yourself time and space to grow into your next self — as we say in the woowoo community, your higher self. Thank you friends and family for allowing me to grow, for accepting me as I change versions for the 50th time this year, and for the 500th time in the last 15 years (thank God). Thank YOU my friend, reader, for accepting me as I navigate my way through this journey and for teaching me along the way; I hope you are enjoying navigating your own. And that we all turn into (A Bug’s Life) “a beautiful butterfly.”
Inspo:
The Internal Critic ~Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos; The Virtual Brunch Series with Danika Brysha
Open Dialogue creating Supportive Partnerships ~ Earn Your Happy Podcast by Lori Harder with guest Destinee Berman; Light + Life Live Podcast by Danika Brysha with guest Sarah Pendrick; The Kylie Camps Podcast
Deciding to transform and align with your passion ~ Under the Skin Podcast by Russell Brand with guest Wim Hoff; Kwik Brain Podcast: Discovering Your Passion & Purpose by John Kwik with guest Jonathan Fields
Meaningful work leading to happier and longer life ~ Meik Wiking, Little Book of Lykke & Simon Sinek, Start with Why
Healthy, loving relationships ~ Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability; The Angry Therapist Podcast by John Kim; Amir Levine, Attached
